I've started reading a new book. A friend of mine told me facts about it while standing in a book store, and after a long time, I wanted to read. There have been many instances recently, when I've sat alone in my room and stared blankly into walls in repeated attempts to find answers to questions I don't know. I often look at my book shelf, hoping to find a work that can help me find a clue. There's this urge to know, to see a purpose, to see the line that connects the dots, to feel alive.
In this pursuit, I have found myself wander in dreams and in the real. I had found a fondness for a beautiful Gurudwara near my place. I'm not a Sikh, and I have no appropriate understanding of Sikhism or its customs. But in the recent past, there has been a force that took me to the Temple, where I went and sat with eyes closed. I don't understand their language, or know much about their beliefs in God. I am a stranger to that place, but that place has been a friend to me. Maybe the fact that no one knows me there, and I know no one, that I know no prayers, that I know no rules (except the basic rule of covering one's head), is what works to soothe. Because of this anonymity and the lack of conditioning, the Temple allows me to sit in peace and with basic respect, allows me to feel the Divine without knowing its name, to explore answers from its serenity without knowing its great stories, to discover the message in music by not understanding the words, to find the rhythm without being distracted into rituals. I think it has been there, that I could feel the energy I call God, which evades me often in familiar places of mass devotion, though beautiful in their own way. There are some Temples in my family religion that exude another unique energy. I have been to some such places, where just the aura is so powerful, that I'd been instilled with courage and belief with every breath.
I've found this in life: religion doesn't matter. It has, unfortunately, been propagated by interests that exploit, and not reinforce faith. There aren't many realities that make me feel good the more I explore about them. Religion, money, society, governments, and almost anything to count. But still, the basic thread of life that powerfully flows within each person, plant, animal or element of nature, the sub-conscience, the conjugate feeling that makes you feel hollow and infinite at the same time, somehow reinforces a feeling that can't corrupt. It's for this feeling, that I search a rhyme. It is this feeling, that I don't want to disappear.
Through my journey to the Sea so-far, I have discovered that this feeling leaves me when I do things that don't please my heart. Often, when life gets pacy, one puts the heart on a backseat, allowing the rational brain to navigate through the maze. The brain, surely, knows better ways to success, the success as perceived by our society.
Another observation, though be it philosophical, says that the heart doesn't see the world the same way as the brain. The heart wants to fly, and sees the maze as a set of traps built on the ground. The heart sees an aerial view, it doesn't see the maze internally. It doesn't recognize or appreciate the treasures and riches that can be found only through the maze. It sees where the maze opens. It sees the end of the maze as an entry into an open field, where the riches don't matter much. The field is where one can't escape their innermost thoughts, where you must reflect on your actions, unlike the maze where after each turn, you own the liberty of not looking back. For the maze, they say, you mustn't look back, for it hampers the swiftness with which you move. Some bury the regrets, some live with them, and some suffer because of them, while struggling to move ahead nonetheless. Someone who excels at crossing mazes, will only want to be led into another puzzle at the exit. Their comfort lies in intelligence and victory, in figuring a way out. They avoid the heart, some more, some less, so as to let the mind build or find more mazes, more puzzles, more challenges, more prestige. The heart sees that the maze is delusional. It is a creation of human thought, to keep itself occupied. It is a self-service of the brain that is conditioned by the only species in nature that knows greed and believes in vice. However, not everyone in pursuit of a puzzle is driven by vice. In fact, most people I know are not driven by vice. They are driven by the pursuit itself, probably a result of the millenia of conditioning of competition and advancement.
The field is different. The field is an infinity, where you run because you want to run. You still win or lose, but to your own self. You aren't guided by the walls or the hurdles, but you run to explore the field, and your horizon is where you stop. The field is free, and the freedom is, indeed, scary. I have felt fear at the thought of that freedom, primarily because of its incoherence and independence from the laws of the maze. Since I remember, the maze is the only world one's told about. It is only now that I can understand, that the maze is supposed to be the effort, and the field the reward. The field is home, where the soul longs to express, and one must come home everyday.
In my life, I want to surpass mazes, and I want to run free. The mazes in one's path are always a matter of choice. It is the pattern inside, that surprises.
Till now, I haven't been great with the choices. I am still struggling to find that maze that would bring purpose and command passion, the maze that when seen by the heart, is as beautiful as seen by the mind. Though the views will be different, I want to have them both, and I want to be excited by the sight of both. While life isn't just one maze at a time, I think it's better when you can appreciate each one you're in. In family, in love, in career, in society, in every interaction with life, wouldn't it be great to be excited and calm at the same time? That balance, I seek, through every dot and dash in the pattern. This quote from a movie I like, forms a pretty decent line to conclude:
"Since when does it have to be one or the other? You can have the roots and the wings!"
